Winter Wonderland

It hasn't much felt like winter here in Memphis -- the recent weather reminds me more of the days in late March/early April in PA when you could go outdoors for practice or to take a walk because it was in the 50s and you weren't going to freeze your bottoms off.

But this is the day I've waited for all winter -- the day when snow would finally fall in this southern city and all hell would break loose. And I am pleased to say, the snowfall did not disappoint.

Around 2pm, I left work today, took a detour to drop of the "lead counselor", and began my drive home. By the time we got in the car, it had already begun snowing enough that my wonderful car's windshields had to be brushed off. With snow just beginning to fall, the ridiculous of Memphians was already evident -- driving an average of 8 miles per hour seemed to be the high standard. Oh goodness, I thought, this is going to be interesting.

I dropped the "lead counselor" off around 2:13pm. The slow moving traffic left me sitting to make a turn out of her complex for a good 5 minutes. After that though, it was pretty much a straight shot home so I figured I was good to go.

WRONG!

Turtles, meandering along at their average non-speed, seemed to be able to move faster than the traffic. I sat and sat and sat. And my car slowly inched and inched and inched.

Every so often there was a glimmer of hope that traffic would steadily increase to about 20 miles an hour, but just as I'd get the car over 15, cars would back up and I'd be back around 8. Or nothing, just waiting and waiting and waiting.

I called the bro to share in the winter madness. I called dad as well because I found some humorous sightings as I sat in traffic.

First, there were the people in parking lots brushing snow from their windshields. God forbid anyone have an actual scraper, but the use of ungloved hands, arms, cardboard and magazines seemed to do the trick. I felt quite proud of my Yankee snobbery in knowing my scraper/brush combo had suited me well and would do so later if needed.

Second, there was the ridiculousness of the radio personalities trying to share words of wisdom or moments of laughter to bored listeners like myself wondering when the heck I could park my car and get the heck out of it.

Ridiculous radio move #1: the playing of Kokomo, by the Beach Boys. Come on, people, one day of snow really isn't all that bad.

Ridiculous radio move #2: a radio host actually suggested people should get in their cars and drive as fast as possible to get home before the madness ensued. Oh, and while you're at it, he said, stop and get some alcohol to drink as you drive home -- gotta keep the body warm. Clearly, this man is a registered crack smoker -- madness was already in effect, and driving like Speedracer would have only caused additional controversies -- this is not humorous, it's assinine advice. This man should be drug out into a street and shot.

Around 3pm, I called the "lead counselor" to tell her I was barely half-way home. I shared with her the above madness of the radio and we were thankful for our northern roots. Dad called me back. He wanted to share with me the following:

He sent an email to his company's home office here in Memphis and received the following automated email in response:

"I will be out of the office starting 02/10/2006 and will not return until02/13/2006. We are having a 'Winter Weather Event' here in Memphis, and the facility is closed until Monday. Sorry for any inconvenience."

Translation: A couple inches of snow in the forecast is a direct parallel to what it is like if the world would be coming to an end; therefore, the crazy Memphians must make every effort to rush home to share in the madness with loved ones and eat the last loaf of bread which was able to be scrounged from the local Kroger.

While laughing about this with dad, we joked how a couple inches back home is a good thing because all the potholes fill with snow and the local roads are actually more smooth to drive on. Good times.

The only real scary moment for me in fearing the locals driving abilities was when a gigantic Hummer, maroon in color, appeared suddenly behind me and I feared it would give my car a good swift kick in the ass because it appeared to be moving at speeds greater than 8 miles per hour. I quickly made my last turn.

A good half hour later, an hour and a half total from when I left work, I finally pulled into a parking space at my apartment. I had one more chuckle as I recognized the signs they post here when the weather gets cold: "Freeze Warning. Take Necessary Precautions." I decided to get my camera, take a picture of the sign and the snow fall, and in the apartment I went.

Here's an idea, Memphis -- road salt. Perhaps a snow plow. Then perhaps, Memphians will come to know the simplicity of a few inches of snow.

So that about sums up the winter wonderland that Memphis has become. I'm half tempted to get back in my car and go out and do some donuts in the parking lot. I figure the locals wouldn't know what to do and it'd make a good story they could tell their friends -- "Hey, did you see the crazy Yankee who isn't scared of a little precepitation doing weird things with her car?"

Instead, though, I think I'll hit up the couch and watch the first night of the Winter Olympics. It seems only appropriate.