Miami Mergers...

If you spend any time as a Miami University student (Oxford, OH), you are kept well informed of the fact that a large percentage of Miami grads end up getting married to each other, what Miami deems a “Miami Merger.” What you may not know (if you did not attend Miami or you just didn’t care enough while you were there) is that Miami has ridiculous traditions surrounding this practice.

According to a recent news story on the Miami website, “Almost 15 percent of Miami alumni – 25,570 – are married to each other, creating 12,786 mergers. An unsubstantiated report says the usual percentage of alums marrying alums from the same college is 3 percent.” (see http://newsinfo.muohio.edu/news_display.cfm?mu_un_id=65151260)

Each year, for Valentine’s Day, Miami University sends each of these Mergers a Valentine’s Day card. You can view the history of these cards on the following site: http://www.miamialum.org/pages/MergerValentines.htm

The 1982 Valentine is clearly my favorite.

Seriously, look at the website before you keep reading my commentary: there is a commonality in each of the cards. It’s not difficult to find and it’s clearly ridiculous. Go ahead, look at it, and laugh – out loud – it’s pure cheese.

There are three reactions to this information if you are a Miami grad:

First, the Merger's reaction: "I am so glad I met my significant other at Miami and the school reminds us of this wonderfulness each year with a valentine. We are so special."

Second, the bitter reaction. As I said to a friend last night, those who leave Miami without the solidification of their "MRS degree" might react, “Where the f*%* is my Miami Merger?” That is, if these people really believed they would leave college (or perhaps grad school) with a marriage around the corner to a sweetheart they made out with under the Upham Arch (this is another Miami tradition).

For those of us with brains, however, we are pleased we escaped Miami without having to succumb to this madness.

Third, the “looking behind the numbers” reaction. Let’s do some simple math.

Miami’s Alumni Office pays someone a real salary to perhaps be the “Miami Merger Expert” and head up these valentines and other related practices. The salary’s probably at least $35,000 a year – someone who is at Miami and bored, please go to the library, get out the salary record, and look it up, please. It will be fun, I promise.

12,786 mergers = 12,786 valentines

Let’s assume the cost of postage, printing, paper, envelopes per card is $1.00 – well that’s easy math, that’s $12,786 to send these Miami Merger Valentines.

Since Miami University is a state-supported public institution, I hope all of you OHIO residents out there are pleased that your tax dollars support programs such as this at Miami University. May you feel blessed in knowing you continue to spread Valentine's Day love across the world!

(Gag me, please)

(Ok, Ok, there is a chance this all comes through private funds, probably some ridiculous Merger couple themselves, but just humor me for the sake of humor, please.)

Does this not prove further the ridiculousness of Valentine's Day? It is really necessary for an institution to spend thousands of dollars on valentines? Wow, people, seriously. I am semi-embarrassed to admit I have a degree from this fine institution with its absurb and ridiculous practices. Unfortunately, this is just one of the many outrageous traditions Miami upholds yearly.

And seriously, could an educational institution, aka "The Public Ivy," not do about a million other worthwhile things with these funds -- what about bringing in another quality speaker perhaps to address the abundance of eating disorders on campus? Or a summer scholarship? Or about 100 more blue light safety phones on campus? Like I said, a million other worthwhile ways to spend this money, instead of on lame valentines cards.

I'm just glad I escaped the Merger Mayhem. I'm also glad I no longer pay taxes to Ohio.