Tuesday, August 29, 2006

If I had a million dollars...

Recently, I re-discovered my love of the Bare Naked Ladies as I stumbled across their song "If I had a million dollars". In relationship to the lyrics of this song, as well as recent happenings in the lives of myself and some friends, I started thinking about what exactly I would do if I had a million dollars. Better yet, if I had more.

In reality, I know I would try to support my family with things they've never had, particularly my parents who have sacrificed so much to give me what I have - I'm thinking a new house wherever they want, fully equipped with all of life's needs, perhaps a new car and some sort of dream vacation. I'd pay off my brother's loans, help him get his own place, and treat him to something spectacular. I'd give some money to charity and then come up with a game plan of how to spend the rest of my life, including a trip around the world to the numerous places I want to visit.

In my dream fantasy of having a ton of money, I really would want to buy my own island. I know that probably runs more than a million buckaroos, but if I had whatever it takes, I'd do it. My island would be a happy place, where Captain and Cokes and Italian cuisine reigns supreme. I wouldn't have servants or anything crazy; instead, I would invite any friends and family who so desired to live with me. As a collective, we would find a way to make good lives for ourselves in terms of supporting each other - we'd find a way to harvest foods, make delicious meals, and function as a functional society would (without all the b.s. of course).

The main point here is that I wouldn't work.

Don't get me wrong. I like my job. I love the students I work with at present and I currently can't think of anything else I'd rather do as a professional.

But the fact of the matter is that if I didn't have to work to support myself and function as a contributing member of society (i.e., a tax payer), I wouldn't. The general concept of work kinda sucks. Let's be honest. If you disagree, you're probably disillusioned to the ridiculousness of your work tasks on a daily basis.

So there you have it. If I had a ton of money lying around, my island would be up and fully functional.

The question is, will you be lucky enough to live with me?

Monday, August 28, 2006

Karma...

I believe in karma, both of the positive and the negative. In essence, I believe one should treat others the way one wants to be treated. Attempting to do good for others should eventually reward itself in positive karma, however that positive karma chooses to manifest itself.

For about a year now, I have come to believe that I am rewarded with positive karma as a driver. Memphis drivers suck - if you've read the blog, you have heard me comment about this. In the last 3 years especially, I have spent many a hour in my car on 8+ hour road trips. In my daily commutes around the city as well as these road trips, I have often escaped driving woes - I have never been in an accident and have never had to deal with the wrath of the police force. I seem to have a pretty good track record on the road. I am convinced this is where the positive karma manifests iteself in my life.

It's a fact that no matter how hard I try, I often exhibit behaviors that could essentially classify me as a first-rate asshole. I find pleasure, on occasion, in other people's pain. If you read the blog, or know me personally, you're well aware of this fact - I make fun of people where I deem it essential to do so. I'm pretty convinced this is the reasoning behind the negative karma that manifests itself in my life.

I seem to experience negative karma in various ways. A few examples:

1. Never in my life have I been the recipient of a deal in airfare and I have flown a ton over the past 3 years especially.

2. No matter how hard I work, I can't seem to accomplish all of my work tasks in an 8-hour day. I am averaging 10 or so as of late.

3. Items that I find I absolutely need at a certain point in time are never on sale.

4. My life is utterly hopeless when it comes to relationships.


It seems, then, that I can feel confident knowing that my positive karma will be rewarded on the road. And for the time I spend in my car, I would say that's a pretty good thing. But on average, say once a month or so, I'd like for my positive karma to drop something different in my life, like a cheap plane ticket home for a wedding or an occassional sale on the items I need or, and this is a stretch, perhaps a short-lived but worthwhile relationship at some point in the next year. That's not asking for too much, is it?

Well, maybe it is. I mean, you can't have everything, right?

But maybe if I stop making fun of people, I can get one of the above four examples to work out.

Then again, I'm not sure it's worth it. I like making fun of people too much.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

What planet are you on?

It's a sad day for Pluto. He's lost his mighty rank among the planets.

Apparently, the great scientists of the world feel it necessary to de-rank what we have come to know and love as planet number nine. Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet. I don't know what that means as I am not a scientist and never want to be. But my logic tells me if something's name includes the word "planet", it's still somewhat considered a planet. So I'm a little confused, but I digress.

In any case, I feel this is a sad day. I remember fondly back to 4th grade or so when we studied the planets. I remember because we learned the order of the planets by memorizing a crazy sentence where the first letter of each word coincided with the first letter of the planet's names.

My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas.
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Nepture, Pluto.

Excellent use of words this is. But now what? Now what will the setence read?

My very eager mother just served us:

nothing?

nectarines?

noodles?

I mean, it just doesn't seem right. What will 4th grade teachers do?

Better yet, what will we all do? 8 planets? It's just weird.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Always Low Prices...

Always low prices at Wal-Mart, the devil incarnated.

I despise Wal-Mart. I have felt this way for just around a year. I became fed up with the ridiculousness of this organization's terror on the entire world. In general, Wal-Mart pains me deeply for the following main reasons:

1. Wal-Mart sells cheap products. They are cheap because they are shitty. If you don't believe me, think about the last time you bought something you believed to be of quality at Wal-Mart at its low price. Chances are good within a few short weeks, the product failed. Chances are also good you went back to Wal-Mart and spent more of your good money on another shit product. This is how they suck you in. They make you believe it's worth the purchase b/c it's cheap. But in essence, they're selling you shit.

For sanity's sake, break the cycle. Get out while you can.

2. Wal-Mart has run mom and pop stores out of business. If you live in the ever wonderful small town America, chances are good you know of a family or two or twenty who had to close their businesses because people choose to shop at Wal-Mart for its cheap shitty products (see point one). Wal-Mart contributes significantly to the loss of identity of the American way of life - the ability of various people to earn a living doing what they love in a family business.

For sanity's sake, support mom and pop stores. Contribute to all that is good in earning the family dollar.

3. Wal-Mart treats its employees like dirt. This isn't the case for the higher ups and those up on the food chain, but it is the case for those people trying to make it in this world. Wal-Mart's higher ups get off on keeping their employees of working class in the working class. They fail to pay people a living wage. They fail to pay people for overtime. They force people into working long, shitty hours for nothing. The Wal-Mart organizational chain of command finds nothing unethical or erroneous in this. If you have any sense of decency, you'll research to learn that these are the facts. I'm not just making faulty claims; the proof is out there.

For sanity's sake, support organizations that treat people like people, not like cogs in a system.


I am pleased to annouce I am celebrating my one year anniversary of not stepping foot in any Wal-Mart store since last August. At wit's end, I try my hardest to support organizations who sell good products, treat their employees fairly, and stand for everything good about the working world. I urge you, fellow friends, that if you have alternatives, avoid the devil that is Wal-Mart. It seems appropriate in today's society.

I also urge you, that if you choose to continue to support Wal-Mart, you don't play your childish games of calling me on the the tele to say, "Carol, I'm going to Wal-Mart - do you want to come?" or "Carol, I can't wait to spend all of my money at Wal-Mart!" I do not find this funny or entertaining in any way. This is America, and you can do as you wish. I won't judge you for supporting Wal-Mart, but I urge you to consider what it is you contribute to when you purchase things there. If you need more information, I know of good sources - please inquire.

If you'd like to join me on my Wal-Mart sabbatical, I always love a group effort and I welcome your company.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

FYI: I hate FYI.

FYI. I hate the acronymn FYI.

FYI. I also hate when people send you emails with the subject "FYI".

FYI: I also hate when people send you forwards and all they contribute to the email is writing "FYI".

Obviously, if you are my coworker and you are emailing my work email, it is understood that what you are telling me is for my information.

I get it.

I like acronymns with a purpose, like BYOB.

FYI: I'm going to get a drink.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Biggest accomplishment since 1969...

According to Coleman, the fact that Wendy's now sells the Vanilla Frosty is the biggest accomplishment since putting a man on the moon.

(Man on the moon... some would say debatable.)

Wendy's just moved society forward 40 years.

Wendy's is going places.

It's only a matter of time until cars and skateboards fly. It's a world only Marty McFly could have dreamed of.

Doc Gooden is not a good business reference.

Actual conversation:

Coleman: It's a good thing I have off tomorrow.
Carol: Why?
Coleman: The girl I recommended for our open position failed her drug test.
Carol: Nice.
Coleman: I'm not sure how my boss will react.
Carol: Pot?
Coleman: Yeah. I wish. That would be easy to write off. It was cocaine.

Carol laughs hysterically.

Coleman: It's not funny.
Carol: You're right. It's not. (pause) No wait, it is.
Coleman: You're right. It is funny. (laughs)


How would you like to have to call your mom and say,
"Well, mom, I didn't get that 50,000$ clutch job offer."

"Well, why not, honey?"

"Oh, you know. Failed my drug test. Had too much fun with Pablo Escobar a little while back."

Sunday, August 20, 2006

K-Roger, Over and Out.

This evening, the roommate and I embarked to our closest Kroger, our favorite grocery chain, which happens to be in a ghetto-ish area of downtown Memphis. We tend to not go to this Kroger alone.

On our first visit there, a strange man followed us around the store but pretended he wasn't following us. He would grab a handful of items, walk away, and come back empty handed, only to repeat the process until we left. Creepy.

On this visit, three peculiar things happened. First, a man wearing your typical scrubs appeared to be shopping. Much like on our first visit, he would gather some items, walk around, but then come back empty handed. Maybe he worked there and was putting the items back on the shelves? Like I said, peculiar.

While we were perusing the frozen food items and contemplating a simple meal for dinner, a police officer came running past us. My roommate looked at me and said, "It's never good when a police officer is running down the frozen food aisle." I said that perhaps we'd be taken hostage right next to the frozen taquitos.

This situation shouldn't be taken lightly, however, as a couple of months ago, a man shot someone in a Kroger in another section of Memphis.

The third peculiar thing that happened occurred as I was picking out 1.6 pounds of ground beef, of the lean variety. Meat selection should also not be taken lightly - you can't mess around with the wrong meat. As I was choosing the proper package, a 25-ish man looked at me and said, "Maybe you should sniff it also." I was so taken aback by his presence and weird comment that I could only garner a small chuckle. What I should have said is, "Finding the right package requires more than a sense of smell."

Grocery shopping is serious business and always an adventure.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Bible Belt Billboard...

Today, I saw a billboard for Bellhaven Baptist Church here in the Memphis. It said:

"Giving up? Give it to God."


I think this would have been better if stated:

"Giving up? Give it up to God."


I love Jesus.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

You call that news?

It's nights like this that I realize why local news programs disturb me and I prefer the national news like the wonderful CNN. I feel strongly that the news on the national scale proves much more useful to my daily existence as well as my general knowledge. Tonight's local news proves this yet again.

First news story: Will the deal to turn the Pyramid into the Bass Pro Shops go through or will the Pyramid perhaps become a sound stage for movie productions?

For the love of anything holy, is this really the most important thing happening today in Memphis? Or in the world, for that matter?

Second news story: "Unexpected eyeful" was the title of this story, which described two females running naked through a Holiday Inn. This is clearly a big deal and should be taken seriously, according to the investigator on the case of locating these individuals.

Um, correct me if I am wrong but isn't Memphis one of the highest crime-ridden cities in the country? Apparently finding naked chicks is more important that fighting real crime like robberies and murders - I guess we're not disturbed by this year's high crime rates.

Third news story: Gun shots fly while people try to renew drivers licenses.

Well, I guess I won't be inheriting a TN license anytime soon. What do people have against drivers? Oh wait, Memphis drivers SUCK. Maybe this isn't so bad after all...


So there you have it. The first five minutes of local news. Clearly, a worthwhile use of my time.

AC 360 - here I come.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Quote of the day...

6 year old: "Dad, do you have a bottle of water in your purse?"
Dad: "No, son, I don't have a bottle of water. And remember, it's a man bag, not a purse."

Classic.

Quote of the day...

"And for the record, I think you should hang out with "particular student" and friends. . . I may not be a student affairs professional, but I think it would be great to be a professional at affairs with students."

Thank you, Susan.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Extra! Extra!

Anyone who knows me is well aware that I aspire to live a full life, composed of many great opportunities to enrich my life as well as to enrich the lives of others. I have many aspirations of places to go, people to see and things to do.

One of these aspirations is the respectable role of being an extra in a movie or tv show. I have no desire to ever be an actress; I just want my 2 seconds on film to do something random in the background of some show or film, so some savvy spectator can see me and say, "Look at that crazy extra!"

My lifelong dream of being an extra is right at my fingertips. Not only is a movie being filmed in Memphis, but two of the disclosed locations are literally just steps away from my humble abode.

The movie is called "My Blueberry Nights". We learned of this last night when we were waiting to catch the trolley to take us to Beale St. The Arcade Restaurant, which is right down the street, has been set up for a few days for shootings. We asked a few nice police officers what the situation was and the joker officer tried to tell us the movie was for the Food Network. My love and knowledge of the Food Network led me to believe he was lying. He wouldn't let us go onto the set, even when I told him my desire to be an extra. I don't think he was impressed.

Anyway, he did know the name of the movie but didn't know a whole lot about it. So like any inquisitive mind, I got up this morning and did some googling to figure out what the situation is.
You can read about the movie here, thanks to the Commercial Appeal.

The movie is about a woman who travels the country in search of the connection between food and love - starring Norah Jones, Rachel Weisz and David Strathairn. Um, anyone who knows me knows this is definitely the movie I need to be an extra in - a movie about the quest of love and food! I love the quest of love. I love food. Clearly, I can go sit in this restaurant and eat some pie in the background - hell, I'll pay to do that for sure!

Too bad Jude Law's character doesn't make an appearance here in Memphis. That would be hott.

So, anyway, this may be my chance - time to adjust this week's to do list.

Friday, August 11, 2006

ABC Family??

A recent email from my friend, Emily, regarding ABC Family Channel:

"so, as i sit an loaf for hours and hours/day, i noticed that abc family had changed it's slogan to "a new kind of family" higlighting that it isn't just pat robinson and the 700 club any more -- there's gilmore girls, wild fire, that summer wildfire show, and three moons over milford. they're hip, they're happenin' -- and they're clueless.

so, i know that some of you enjoy the james blunt (carol), and others (j and s) think that he sounds like a 65 year old woman. but, you're all familiar with the song "high"...clearly, it's about drugs. it's a pretty song, but the lyrics read "tomorrow starts with us getting high."

the brilliant marketers at abc fam thought that it would be the perfect song to go over the montage of "hip new" shows. brilliant.

abc family. we're hip. we get high."


Emily - always, always perceptive.



This was my response:

"abc family...

i have been skeptical about this channel for quite some time and it's NOT because i am not into the movies as are some people (e, s).

has anyone not noticed for the past year or so that abc fam frequently shows CRUEL INTENTIONS as it's sunday night film?! i tune in b/c i love this movie, but i do not believe it is appropriate for abc family channel.

james blunt loves to get high. perhaps the producers at abc fam do too.

is it just me or are a lotta things outta whack?"


Some sensational Friday observations.

Sibling IM fun...

How to make your work day more enjoyable....

Joe: who build the arc?
Carol: noah! noah!
Joe: who built the arc?
Carol: brother noah built the arc!
Joe: now didn't old noah build the arc, he built it out of a hickory bark
Carol: he built it long, wide and tall, plenty of room for the large and small

Just a fun little IM sibling bonding to spruce up your morning.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The 24-year-old trainwreck's guide to low self-esteem...

A quick and easy three-step guide to lowering your self-esteem:

1. Make complete idiot out of yourself in front of people who are expected to respect you in your professional work.
2. Consume copius amounts of alcohol in a short period of time, black out, puke in a highly public place, force other people to care for your well-being.
3. Express feelings to someone and get instantly rejected.

It's best if you make it a point to complete these three steps within a 24-hour period. Actually, the more they happen in due proximity of time, the better. Too much time in between does not guarantee your self-esteem will drop below your ankles.

Trust me. It's fool proof. You can't go wrong.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Beale St. 1, Carol 0

4:30pm: 1/2 bottle of wine, 1 captain and coke
6:15pm: talladega nights... the ballad of ricky bobby
(it was good i had a serious buzz going b/c it wasn't really that funny)

8:30pm-?? 6 captain and cokes at flying saucer, 2 hurricanes at pat o's

??? - puked. on beale st.

clearly, beale st. rises victorious. carol does not.

this marks moral victory minus 1 for said evening.

moral victory total of the evening: carol = -3 (and a solid -3).

j, s, e - please call.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Trump this.

If you get an invitation to attend the Maui Invitational with the basketball team you work with, and it's the same week as Thanksgiving at home with the family, what do you do?

Clearly, you go to Maui.

Obviously, this type of college hoops mayhem trumps any time with family.

While I reckon that football, food, and family is an excellent holiday, it surely can't compare to the Maui Invitational... especially when it's FREE.

A loving family will understand.

Hell, they'll probably want to hide away in your suitcase and go along for the ride.