I am an Anti-Dentite.

If you are an obsessive Seinfeld fan like yours truly, then you know immediately what the title of this post refers to. If you're not, here's some commentary from the show itself:

JERRY: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
KRAMER: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
JERRY: I am not an anti-dentite!
KRAMER: You're a rabid anti-dentite!

Like Jerry, I am an anti-dentite.

The fact of the matter is: I HATE GOING TO THE DENTIST!

The dentist is my least favorite doctor to see on a yearly basis. In fact, I would rather see my gynocologist monthly than see any dentist once a year. Most women would disagree with this statement, but this is how I feel.

I strongly dislike the dentist. The truth remains that everything about a dentist visit, even if you like your dentist, is just flat out uncomfortable. Everything about someone jabbing things at your teeth and your gums and shoving their fingers in your mouth disturbs me. I hate the taste of plastic gloves all over my mouth. I hate the jabbing and the picking at my teeth and gumline. I hate the floride grossness on my teeth. I hate the suction tube that sucks the life out of my gums. I hate all of it.

I don't even like the free toothbrush as a reward for suffering through the discomfort.

Yesterday, I had to go to the dentist for the first time this year because I really needed my yearly cleaning. So, being that I have health insurance, I picked a dentist from the book listing having no information.

This is what we call Stupid Move #1.

My karma in this sense was completely off. I drove into a sketchy parking garage and hiked to the dentist's office. The smell alone was enough of a sign that I should have turned around, and walked immediately back to my car.

The receptionist was rude.

I had to wait 20 minutes after my appointment time to even get seated.

The hygenist took xrays, and shoved my head onto the bar.

The dentist couldn't pronounce my name and barely introduced himself to me.

The dentist spent 5 minutes rough-housing my mouth. He picked at my teeth about a thousand times harder than I've ever experienced. My gums starting bleeding sooo badly that gauze was needed. I believe this falls under the category of "absolutely unnecessary and ridiculous."

While he jabbed away at my mouth and then performed the cleaning (which was, by the way, not very effective and also very uncomfortable), he talked with the hygenist about some issue regarding another patient.

Still, at this point, he had yet to say anything to me about my xrays or my hygiene.

He abrubtly left, and the hygenist said, "I'll get you some mouthwash. Here's your toothbrush."

Um, OK.

So she handed me the stuff and then said, "Oh, by the way, you have 3 cavities so you need to make another appointment."

"Excuse me? That's interesting, as the dentist said nothing about that to me. And for the record, I've never had a cavity so I find that hard to believe."

"Well, make an appointment."

Well, kiss my ass, lady. I wouldn't come back here if my life depended on it.

So then I had to sit uncomfortably in the waiting room for the mean receptionist to get my chart and so I could pay my co-pay. She said, "You need to make an appointment."

I said, "Oh, I'll be sure to call you to do just that." (sarcasm noted)

I threw $10 at her and walked out.

The fact still remains that I am, indeed, an anti-dentite.